When, and how, to talk about money in new relationships
Dating can be fun, exhilarating, boring, or even excruciatingly painful. Getting to know someone else and figuring out whether you want to commit to that person is one of our bigger challenges in life, and with so many things to learn and compromises to approach, sometimes it can feel like financial compatibility is the last thing on your mind – too awkward to bring up early, and too risky to bring up when things start feeling good. But we’re writing this post to remind you that money conversations shouldn’t get pushed down your priority list when you’re dating, and we wanted to offer some guidance for how you think about it. So let’s get into it… exactly when, and how, should you talk about money in a new relationship?
First of all, Mana is far from the first company to write about this topic. A simple Google search reveals countless articles from well-known and reputable institutions, offering a lot of good advice. Some of the top results, from The Knot and Ellevest provide excellent motivation and prompts to start these conversations (hint: it’s easier and less weird than you think), and even recommend some timelines to broach certain topics (hint: it’s also sooner than you probably think). What these articles don’t really cover, however, is the importance of context, psychological safety, and reflection on your own value systems and plans to help frame these discussions. Nearly everyone who prepares to introduce finance into their relationship toils over the when and the what. When is the timing right? What should I ask? And while we do have some suggestions, the place where we can offer the best advice is in tackling the how. As we unpack our thoughts and guidance below, we’ve included a couple reader reflection pauses to help you identify your own values and figure out what might work best for your own circumstances.
Before we discuss the how, let’s cover the when and what. Our advice here is generally subjective, but we do like the rule of thumb that, “sooner is better”. It’s becoming more commonplace to suggest splitting the bill for a meal or activity or establishing a preference/expectation for sharing expenses, but early dates are also a chance to subtly express your financial situation and value system. Mentioning that you’d rather not eat somewhere expensive, or do something that costs money at all while you’re saving for other goals is reasonable. So is celebrating a promotion or a bonus and insisting it’s your treat when you share the news. There’s no perfect way to navigate these topics, but staying true to your own situation and priorities goes a long way. While everyone likes to splurge and have fun sometimes, it’s a definitively bad idea to set unsustainable or unrealistic norms around your lifestyle when you plan dates. Dating itself involves some financial risk, on top of plenty of emotional risk, and casually and honestly presenting your true habits and lifestyle early on should make alignment on heavier topics much easier down the road. Essentially, this will save you the burden of explaining and renegotiating the ways you and your partner choose to spend time together.
Reader reflection point: how does this suggestion make you feel? Excited? Ashamed? Nervous? Confident? What ways have you subtly expressed your financial situation early in dating before? What ways have you deviated from your typical spending habits on a first or second date? How were these actions received? How do you think this has affected your willingness to share information later on?
**Keep in mind, there are no right or wrong answers to any of these reflection points. It’s just an opportunity to identify your own goals and reservations about this topic.
Once you’ve established that you actually like someone, and you decide to explore some level of casual or serious commitment, we think it’s critical to begin aligning on your mid-to-long- term goals and future plans. At this point in time, sharing the details of your respective debts, savings targets, cash flow and salary [range] are all good ideas. Understanding how each party in the relationship plans and prepares for their life aspirations is crucial to a successful communication dynamic. Putting major values on the table, like your desire to have children, location you’d like to live, plans to buy a home, aging family members that you might support, etc. is also very important to do at this time. CNBC reported on a survey detailing the biggest money red flags and deal breakers for couples, and the findings are well worth considering.
The top issues for couples were personal loans and credit card debt, followed closely by irresponsible spending and lack of financial literacy. These issues typically go hand in hand and compound one another, as many people don’t understand how a credit score is calculated or how to think about credit as a borrower. Surprisingly, some potentially larger financial debts and topics ranked lower on the list. Things like student loans, low salaries and high mortgage rates were still concerning, but less so. Receiving parental support in paying bills or staying on family cell phone plans was not an issue for most.
Reader reflection point: Whew! That was a lot. How are you feeling at this point in the article? Would you share this information with a partner that you’ve recently committed to? Have you shared this information with past partners? Do you talk about it with anyone? Friends? Family members? Are your targets in flux or are they set? How many of your financial habits are automated vs. require effort (do you have bills set to auto-pay? Investments? Etc.?). Are you on track for your goals or falling behind? Have you set goals to track?
It’s possible that this article is now stirring up some emotions for you as a reader, especially if you have never discussed this information before, or if you are less than satisfied with your current financial situation. Even if you are confident in your own financial circumstances, it can be daunting to inquire about this with a partner. You may feel inadequate or defensive in the former case, and you may feel concerned or wondering how to help in the latter. In any case, the focus of these conversations should be centered on open discussion and eventual alignment. Which brings us to the crux of this post, how can I have these conversations in a positive way? How can I ensure that no one ends up feeling hurt or resentful in the process?
Psychological safety
Money conversations bring up many of the same feelings and challenges as dating itself. The fun, excitement, boredom, and pain of love extends to wealth and savings. Everyone has their own money story, shaped by their childhood experiences and influences, and people may be at different stages in their Money Maturity. One of the most important things you can do as a couple when you decide to discuss finance is to set explicit guardrails and boundaries for the conversation. Remove your own sense of judgment and instead get curious. Remember that no one wants to be in a less than optimal financial situation, but also that the definition of optimal will vary person to person. Two peoples’ definition of “enough”, the timeline by which someone is planning their success, and the goals that lead the way are almost never aligned at first. Imposing your own plans on someone else is unsupportive and emotionally challenging, and must be avoided no matter what stage of the relationship you are in. Instead, learning about each others’ priorities and the paths each of you are taking to get there is what matters. Couples should separate conversations focused on information sharing from solutioning exercises. Showing your partner that you can be a non-judgmental source of support will go a long way when it comes time to figure out how to take action, and having someone who knows how to listen will help you open up fully and get vulnerable with them.
Personal reflection and visioning
As critical as it is to hear what your partner’s goals are, it’s even more important for you to be deeply in touch with your own vision for your future. We’ve written about ways to approach this in the past. Having your own vision and mature relationship with wealth is a key part of being able to share in a constructive conversation, to get vulnerable yourself, and to empathize with your partner’s ideas and feelings. It can also serve as a model for the flow of discussion if your partner hasn’t considered these things deeply before. If you or your partner don’t have well-formed dreams and goals, then starting with some visioning exercises, inspirational reading, or time alone journaling should be a prerequisite to sharing those mundane or even scary financial details. You can try centering your first conversation around progress updates in your individual visioning journeys and development, which can be a great way to dip your toes into the pool of vulnerability without too much commitment to detail.
Offering advice and solutioning as an expression of commitment
Another piece of advice that we take to heart as holistic financial planners is to remember that introducing solutioning, directives, or advice is an expression of commitment. Finances can be sensitive, and habits are often tied to our near or long term quality of living and dreams. Changing our habits can be hard, even if the outcomes are sweet. Asking someone to change, even for their own benefit (in your view), should not be approached lightly. It should come from a place of caring and support, where your role in that change is clear. If you are on the receiving end of a solution or advice, it’s also okay to ask how your partner will support those changes in your life. This of course doesn’t have to mean monetary support (although for some couples that might be on the table), but could mean alleviating stress or championing progress. A small example could be one partner getting asked to reduce their spending on restaurants and Lyft rides. This could be a stressful request, as it might have negative implications for their social life or work week decompression. When offering these suggestions, the partner making the request could offer to cook a meal together at home to replace a restaurant/bar outing and Lyft ride home, sweetening the proposal while also showing that time together matters and that they care about helping the other meet their goals. These little adjustments to delivery can really boost the safety of the conversation, and can help both partners feel more respected and not judged in the process.
Boundaries, deal breakers and timelines
The final piece of advice we have is to get in touch with your boundaries, know what your deal breakers are, and the timelines they might exist on. While we believe that every human is capable of radical, positive change, we also know that not every human will make these changes - especially not for someone else. This is a hard truth, but one that we all must accept gracefully. It’s important to know what you can tolerate, what you are willing to change for someone else or yourself, and how quickly you can imagine doing so (or how long you could imagine waiting for someone else to shift). These hard thresholds should be expressed with kindness, and partners must respect them for one another and not expect them to shift too much.
As we finish this post, we invite our readers to take one more moment of reflection and think about your reactions and learnings. Even if you are in a long term relationship, married with kids or otherwise deeply committed, revisiting these topics from time to time can be greatly beneficial. Especially when it comes to life visioning and updates to your shared dreams. Aligning with your partner under the comfort and kindness of non-judgmental respect is one of the most fulfilling things you can achieve in life. We hope this piece offers some helpful tips to start the process. And as always, we’d like to remind our readers that even as a couple, you don’t have to figure it all out alone – working with the right financial life planner can help you fully facilitate this achievement.
Madison Elliott is a UX Researcher at Google. Madison leads data engineering and usability at Mana Financial Life Design (FLD). Mana FLD provides comprehensive financial planning and investment management services to help clients grow and protect their wealth throughout life’s journey. Mana FLD specializes in advising ambitious professionals who seek financial knowledge and want to implement creative budgeting, savings, proactive planning and powerful investment strategies. Madison brings her combined background in cognitive science, computer science and clinical psychology with her professional UX design and engineering experience to optimize workflows at Mana FLD and improve people’s lives.