Tested Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations with Aging Parents

As our parents grow older, we are faced with several emotional and practical challenges. The people who once took care of us, who we once turned to for advice, will one day need our help. Sometimes it is up to us to broach this topic and assist with long term planning. As difficult as this notion is to grapple with at face value, it becomes even more complicated and painful when we do not approach it with compassion and care. Resistance and doubt can be expected on both sides of the discussion, and hurtful conflicts can arise before any actual planning takes place. This past year forced many of us to think hard about our aging parents’ future, and as vaccines enable us to reunite and spend quality time together, we know that many of our readers are wanting to engage in these difficult planning conversations. This post is a guest blog from Mandy Merkel, an expert in senior resource consulting, designed to help you initiate and make the best of these interactions. 

Difficult conversations: where to begin?

One of the hardest parts of having these chats with our parents is actually making them happen at all. Starting the conversation the right way can be “make or break” in terms of building trust and constructive brainstorming. The good news is, there are a few approaches you can take to create a smooth backdrop for addressing these hard issues in the least traumatic way, freeing up more emotional space in both you and your parents to work together.

Below are 6 tips from my 30-plus years of work with families and their aging parents, to help set the wheels in motion and have a meaningful, fruitful conversation with your senior loved one:

Tip #1: Set the stage and plan for a conversation. 

It’s easy to dodge an impromptu conversation; it’s harder to avoid something that has been discussed and is part of an overall plan. Thus, setting expectations in advance is key.

Mention your desire to have a talk. For example, “When we come out next week, I’d love to catch up with you and check in on how you’ve been feeling, and any thoughts you’re having about the coming year.” It doesn’t need to be specific or neatly tied with a bow. Simply set the stage for the conversation to happen.

Tip #2: Schedule a specific window of time. 

Planning a time for your conversation is the one point where you’ll want to be extremely specific right away. Make sure you have enough time to let both sides express their feelings and ask questions.

Tip #3: Pacing is critical. Slow down when talking to your aging parents. 

I’ve seen adult children head into conversations moving at 90 mph, while their parents may be moving at a cool 25 mph. When there is a mismatch in cadence, conversations can feel rushed and pressured, leaving everyone with a sense of frustration. Remember, you may have given a lot of thought to some of the issues at hand, but your parent may not have considered them at all yet, and may need time to process the issues you raise. Bulldozing over their point of view could leave them anxious or in denial. Without the right emotional preparation, he or she might feel caught off guard and defensive, grilled or barraged with questions, and therefore may not understand the sentiment of what you have to say. Often these situations result in the parent saying “no” to whatever is being suggested, or flatly refusing help. Moving too quickly might exacerbate this. It risks leaving many concerns, problems and needs unvocalized — and other stones unturned. To prevent rushing, check yourself during the conversation. Does your pace match that of your family member? After starting the conversation, try to devote more time to listening rather than explaining, and move your pace and tone towards their cadence. Forcing a tough discussion or pushing for a swift decision may result in less than ideal outcomes; you may need to have more than one conversation. Visit, acknowledge this, and set up a time in the coming weeks to follow up on the initial discussion. 

Tip #4: Create an alliance through authenticity and appreciation. 

Your job during the discussion is to form an alliance with your aging loved one. While talking, try to really dial into what he or she finds important and discuss what matters most. Communicate thoughtfully by working to understand their perspective and how they view their world. Remember that elderly people suffer daily losses, and you can help them cope better by simply acknowledging their struggles. Especially around topics your parent doesn’t easily talk about or admit to, it’s always better to approach the conversation from a place of compassion, aligning with your parents against a common enemy: whatever is bothering them.

What if there’s resistance?

Consider these two different approaches to overcome an avoidant or reluctant parent:

Common approach: “Mom, you just have to give up driving. Your eye doctor has told you that your Macular Degeneration has gotten to a point where you just do not have adequate vision to drive safely. Here’s what I think we should do to make sure you don’t get into an accident.”

Thoughtful approach: “Mom, I’m so sorry we have to deal with challenges of Macular Degeneration. Because of this, your MD has said pretty clearly that you shouldn’t be driving. I appreciate how difficult this news must be and I was hoping we could put our heads together to  come up with other transportation options.”

The common approach can be jarring and may feel bossy, whereas the thoughtful approach asks the parent to co-plan and preserves autonomy while still being clear about the issue. Be real. Be honest. Appreciate the impact of the discussion. Family members who are aligned, authentic and appreciative can get through difficult conversations with aging parents with amazing grace.

Tip #5: Make a practical plan. 

If you can leave the discussion with a simple plan that includes next steps, that in itself will often create a sense of relief for everyone involved. 

Identifying the issues:

When thinking about the issues to address consider the following categories, as these tend to be the key areas of concern for most families:

● Physical well-being
● Emotional well-being
● Social well-being including activities that foster joy
● Financial and material well-being

Once the needs are identified, start looking ahead to desired outcomes. Go back and forth with your senior loved ones, exchanging ideas and allowing them to plan for their future and shape with you the picture of their ideal circumstances across a range of scenarios (mobility, health, etc.). Your final step is to get specific about who will do what and when. 

Tip #6: Don’t do this alone. 

Do you have to have these difficult conversations with your parent by yourself? Who else could help you in planning for the conversation? No one is expected to go down the path of caring for aging parents alone. It takes a team. Reach out to your team of family, friends and trusted professionals: an Aging Life Care Manager, a physician, an attorney, a financial planner, and an accountant. Your team will work in concert to ensure that the right conversations take place.

Even with the best-laid plans, there are times when family conversations do not go as anticipated. Do not fret. This is normal and does not mean all is lost. If in the end you feel like you’re going around in circles without reaching solutions, remember, important conversations are not one-time events. They need to be revisited on a regular basis, because a “no” today, does not mean a “no” forever. Planning ahead and having the conversations as early as you can will help you address the critical issues over time while preserving family unity.

Helping your parents make the safest and most practical decisions for their future is a major challenge, but with the right tools and a bit of patience, it can go very smoothly. Hopefully, by following some of the guidance in this post, you can use these discussions to express your love and care as a family. Long term planning is incredibly important, and approaching it as a collaborative and compassionate experience is a great way to make the best of the situation.

Mandy Merkel, founder and owner of Senior Resource Consulting, has worked in the rehabilitation and long-term care industry for more than 20 years. She began her career as Director of Outpatient Services for the rehabilitation unit of an Atlanta-area hospital, and later served as Regional Director of Operations for SunDance Rehabilitation Corporation, a Subsidiary of Sun Healthcare Groups (owner/operator of senior facilities nationwide). With her professional training, industry knowledge, and strong commitment to seniors, Mandy is able to bridge the communication gap between the elderly, their families, and senior-care facility personnel.