Discussing Your Estate Plan with Your Adult Children: A Guide for Parents
As a parent, you've spent decades nurturing your children, teaching them life's lessons, and preparing them for adulthood. Now, as you are contemplating, or perhaps entering your golden years, there's one more crucial conversation to have—one that many find challenging but is undeniably important: discussing your estate plan and end-of-life wishes with your adult children.
I understand the hesitation. Talking about a future where you're no longer present can feel uncomfortable, even morbid. You might worry about upsetting your children or feel that such discussions are premature. Perhaps you're concerned about potential conflicts or simply don't know where to start. These feelings are entirely normal and shared by many parents in your position.
However, as a financial planner with years of experience guiding families through these conversations, I can assure you that having this talk is one of the most loving and responsible actions you can take. It's not about dwelling on your mortality; it's about ensuring your wishes are understood, your legacy is preserved, and your family is prepared. It's about providing clarity that will comfort your children during what will inevitably be an emotional time.
In this post, I'll share insights from my professional experience and personal journey to help you navigate this conversation with both compassion and confidence.
The Importance of Early and Open Discussion
Recently, I found myself in a situation that vividly illustrates why these conversations are so critical. In January of this year, I was juggling the demands of being part of the "sandwich generation"—caring for my aging father while also tending to my young children. On a Sunday, while at a child's birthday party, I received a call that my four-month-old son was having breathing difficulties. As I raced to the hospital, my mind was flooded with thoughts of the numerous hospital visits I'd made in the past weeks, not for my infant son, but for my father.
Over the holidays, my father had extended stays at two Northern California hospitals. I had just spent the previous week with him, preparing to say goodbye, while my husband took care of our kids. The emotional whiplash—from contemplating my father's end-of-life care to fearing for my newborn's health—was overwhelming.
This experience, intense as it was, is not unique. Many in the sandwich generation face similar challenges, often exacerbated by a lack of prior discussion about their parents' wishes. As I reflect on those heavy weeks, I can't help but think how much easier it would have been if my family had more thoroughly discussed my father's desires for his later years.
In our time as financial advisors at Mana, Stephanie and I have had many conversations with parents of adult children. Some of these have been with parents who have kept their wealth and wishes for the future a private affair - something not discussed with the younger generations. Other conversations have been with parents who have decided to bring their children (and sometimes grandchildren) into the discussion. We’ve witnessed the consequences and aftermath of both types of situations playing out in real time. One thing has become evident: being proactive and talking about everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly - often results in healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Don't let discomfort or busy schedules deter you. Start these talks early, when you're in good health. It's not about immediate needs but about setting a foundation that will serve your family well in the future.
Breaking Down Big Topics
The idea of discussing your entire estate plan in one sitting can feel daunting. That's why I recommend breaking it down into a series of smaller, more focused conversations. This approach, which I wish my own parents could have used, makes the process more manageable and less overwhelming:
1. Living Situations: Start with a chat about where you'd like to live as you age. Do you hope to stay in your current home? Would you consider a senior living community? If you are partnered and one of you needed more care, would you both want to move? These questions help your children understand your preferences without immediately diving into more sensitive topics.
2. Healthcare Wishes: Another day, discuss your desires for medical care. If you were in the hospital long-term, what kind of treatment would you want? Do you have strong feelings about life support or experimental treatments? Do you have a strong opinion on a point at which you wouldn’t want medical intervention? This isn't about the legalities of a healthcare proxy yet; it's about sharing your philosophy on medical intervention. The more specific you can be in expressing your wishes for care, the less likely it will be that your loved ones will face uncertainty if they must make these decisions on your behalf.
3. Financial Overview: Choose a time to give your children a high-level view of your finances. You don't need to share every detail, but let them know if you have life insurance, a 401(k)/IRA, or other significant assets. If your house is your primary asset, as is common in high-value areas like California, mention this. The goal is to prevent surprises later.
4. Legacy and Values: Perhaps over a family dinner, share what you hope your legacy will be. Beyond finances, what values, traditions, or causes do you want to see continue? This is a conversation that we would recommend inviting grandchildren to. This heartwarming discussion can make later, more technical talks easier.
5. Estate Plan Details: Once you've had these foundational talks, you'll find it much more comfortable to discuss your actual estate plan—your will, trusts, powers of attorney, and healthcare directives.
Arthur C. Brooks, a Harvard professor, emphasizes in his book "Build the Life You Want" that family conversations, even when they involve conflict, improve communication and problem-solving. Don't shy away from potential disagreements; working through them together strengthens your bond.
Navigating the Money Talk
Even as a financial planner, I’ve found money discussions with my family challenging. Everyone has their own internal stories about money, making these talks complex and hard to navigate. In my case, being part of a blended family added another layer—both my mother and stepfather had children from previous marriages, some of whom were also part of these discussions.
Conversations about money are emotionally charged, but that's precisely why we shouldn't avoid them. The longer we wait to have them, the more power we give the discomfort. Instead of avoiding the family conversation about a time when you and/or your spouse aren’t able to make decisions, we recommend planning your conversation ahead of time by asking yourself the following questions (thanks to speaker and coach Elaine Montilla), reflecting and writing your answers down. Doing this first can help you find clarity and build the confidence to initiate the conversation:
What do I hope to accomplish?
What would be an ideal outcome?
What assumptions am I making?
What are your needs and fears?
Are there any common concerns?
Starting off is the hardest part. The more you have these tough conversations, the easier they become. Although my sisters and I finally got our parents to create an estate plan in 2017, my parents didn’t revisit the plan as they aged. Things changed so much that we had to restate the plan in my dad's final weeks, unfortunately when he had less capacity to engage.
My hope is that, if you’re reading this, you can learn from my experience. Some additional tips I can share about planning for these conversations are:
1. Review Regularly: Don't just set up an estate plan; revisit it every couple of years to ensure it still aligns with your wishes.
2. Be Transparent: If your children will inherit different amounts or types of assets, explain your reasoning to prevent later confusion or hurt.
3. Discuss Big Assets: In our case, my father's California bungalow, bought in the 1970s, had appreciated to thirty times its original value. Such significant assets need special attention.
If you own a valuable home, here are key questions to discuss:
What should happen to the house if one of you needs to move for health reasons?
After one spouse passes, what are the plans for the home?
Ideally, what would you want to happen to the house after you're both gone?
In a blended family, are there different considerations for biological kids versus stepchildren?
- Would any child want to live in the home after you've moved out? If so, how will finances be handled to be fair to all siblings?
In California, where many homes have appreciated astronomically, Proposition 19 has made inheriting a parent's home more complex tax-wise. It's another reason to have clear, documented discussions about your intentions.
Remember, articulating your wishes now is far better than leaving your children to interpret them later. Even if some feelings are hurt in the process, it's better to work through those emotions together.
Keeping Them Informed About Your Health
A critical part of estate planning that's often overlooked is keeping your children aware of your health status. Over the years, I've seen friends' lives upended by a parent's unexpected health crisis. By cultivating awareness, you allow your children to be prepared, not blindsided.
I suggest regularly updating your kids on your ability to handle Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) and Instrumental Activities of Daily Living (IADLs). ADLs are personal care tasks: bathing, dressing, getting in and out of chairs, walking, using the toilet, and eating. IADLs relate to independent living: preparing meals, managing money, shopping, housework, using the phone.
Also, be honest about any cognitive changes. Are you sometimes forgetting to eat, dress appropriately, or take medications? It's hard to admit these changes, but your openness helps your children plan better.
In this context, share your thoughts on long-term care:
Do you have a temporary plan if you suddenly need help?
If you require a long-term care facility, do you have preferences?
How will this care be funded—insurance, savings, home equity?
Your children, especially if they're in the sandwich generation, will appreciate this foresight. It allows them to balance your needs with their other responsibilities, like young children or careers.
Encourage Your Children to Ask Questions
Estate planning isn't just about assets and healthcare; it's an opportunity for deeper connections. Encourage your children to ask you questions they've always wondered about but never found the time to ask.
I learned this lesson powerfully in late 2019 when my parents made their last visit to LA. My documentarian husband insisted on interviewing them, asking about their favorite childhood stories, what their parents were like, and their earliest memories. After my dad passed in January, this video became a cherished family treasure.
More recently, a friend spent an hour asking my mom questions about her life. The next day, my friend regretted never having done the same with her own parents. Let this inspire you to invite such questions. Whether it's through video, voice memos, or simple conversations, these exchanges will be priceless to your children.
Encourage your children to reserve the time and space to ask these questions. This isn't just storytelling; it's a way to share your values, resilience, and wisdom.
Tools to Help You
If you're unsure how to start, numerous resources can guide you:
1. The Conversation Project's Starter Guide: This excellent tool provides a framework for discussing your end-of-life care wishes, ensuring they're understood and respected.
2. Estate Planning Basics: For a primer on what a simple estate plan entails, I recommend reading Mana's recent blog post on the topic.
3. Digital Organization tools for important documents, accessible to those who are most important in your life:
4. Life Story Tools: Consider using services that help you record your life story through guided questions, either in writing or video format.
Remember, every family is unique. Use these tools as a starting point, then adapt them to your family's dynamics and values.
A Final Word: Your Greatest Gift
As I reflect on the whirlwind of caring for my father in his final days while also tending to my young children, I'm struck by how much easier it would have been had we more thoroughly discussed his wishes. Not just the legal and financial aspects, but his deeper desires, fears, and hopes.
Initiating these conversations about your estate plan and end-of-life wishes isn't morbid; it's an act of profound love. You're not dwelling on your departure but ensuring that when that day comes, far in the future, your children won't be lost. They'll know exactly how to honor you. They'll understand the legacy you want to leave. Most importantly, they'll be free from the confusion, stress, and potential conflicts that can arise when these matters are left unspoken.
Starting these talks requires courage. There may be moments of discomfort, perhaps even tears. But I assure you, as someone who has guided countless families through this process and lived it personally, the benefits far outweigh any temporary unease.
Break down the big topics into smaller chats. Be open about your finances and health. Most of all, use this as an opportunity to share your life stories, imparting the wisdom you've gathered over decades.
In doing so, you provide your adult children with something far greater than any material inheritance. You give them peace of mind, emotional closure, and a deeper understanding of the remarkable person who raised them. In today's complex world, where so many are sandwiched between caring for parents and children, this clarity is truly the most precious gift you can offer.
Your life has been a journey of nurturing, teaching, and loving your children. By having these thoughtful discussions about your estate plan and end-of-life wishes, you continue that journey, guiding them with compassion and wisdom even as they step into the role of caring for you.
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Stephanie Bucko and Cristina Livadary are fee-only financial planners based in Los Angeles, California. Stephanie is the Chief Investment Officer and Cristina is the Chief Executive Officer at Mana Financial Life Design (FLD). Mana FLD provides comprehensive financial planning and investment management services to help clients grow and protect their wealth throughout life’s journey. Mana FLD specializes in advising ambitious professionals who seek financial knowledge and want to implement creative budgeting, savings, proactive planning and powerful investment strategies. As fee-only fiduciaries and independent financial advisors, Stephanie and Cristina never receive commission of any kind. Stephanie and Cristina are legally bound by their certifications to provide unbiased and trustworthy financial advice.