On Love and Money
Earlier this month my husband and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary, which means it’s been three years, two houses, one global pandemic, and one baby since I last wrote about us and how we engage regularly around money.
Today, I want to highlight how three pivotal experiences over the past three years have convinced me that talking about money is the unlock to a happy marriage.
First, the wedding…
How much should we spend? How many people should we invite? How much were our parents going to contribute? If one set of parents contributed more, did that set of parents get to invite more people than the set of parents who contributed less?
These were all pretty awkward topics to have to talk about as an engaged couple. They’re also questions so many of us have to answer when planning a wedding in many parts of the United States - so why not broach them as a team?
Matt and I talked about money from the very beginning, and because of that, we were able to navigate these hairy questions with (relative) ease. Some things were still chaotic though. Days before our wedding, we still hadn’t decided on the cutlery. We had two choices; the silver and the gold. Our wedding colors were deep forest green and gold. I (as always) wanted the gold, but the gold would cost us an extra $3,000. Matt immediately said no, ‘we can’t afford it’. We had an impromptu money date: we took a deep breath and created space for us to talk about the budget without fear or anxiety. I was able to show him how opting for gold wouldn’t put us over budget. Matt hadn’t been aware that I had made a few tradeoffs earlier on in the process to allow for an overage like this. After sharing the details, he felt calmer and I got the gold cutlery.
By having regular ‘money dates’ - times dedicated to financial discussions without judgment - about our wedding, we were able to tackle obstacles and work together to resolve disagreements.
Next, the baby…
A little less than two years after our wedding, we welcomed our baby girl to this world, and it changed our lives forever. As I noted here, there were a lot of money lessons to be had.
As a couple, what got us through the first incredibly blurry few months was our ability to divide and conquer when it came to financial and life responsibilities.
While I found comfort in managing our day to day cash flow - amidst a fairly constant stream of emergency baby amazon purchases - Matt carried the load dealing with all of our employee benefit providers to ensure we were getting the appropriate reimbursements. To this day, Matt continues to handle this side of our accounting. It’s a huge pain in the butt to keep following up with insurance providers - but sometimes, that discipline is the only way to ensure you get paid!
Every Monday morning, we sit down and talk about our intentions for the week ahead - almost always, each of us has a financial task on that list. I remember multiple times when Matt would send a gentle text reminder if I forgot to complete the task before the end of the week. Sometimes that text was the push I needed to get >insert boring financial task here< done.
Many parents will tell you the first year of life with a newborn is both beautiful and exhausting - we found success by itemizing and sharing the financial duties, helping us both feel more balanced and supported.
Finally, buying a house…in LA…during a pandemic.
We felt like we outgrew the home we resided in during most of the Covid-19 pandemic. While life in a beachside condo was appealing in my early 30s, the suburbs began calling in earnest after we welcomed Mila to the family.
Like many millennials at this time, we embarked on a journey to sell our condo and relocate to our maybe-forever home. And as a couple, we realized the power we had if we combined each of our individual financial strengths to buy this house.
My financial strength was the equity I had built in the condo I originally purchased in 2014. This was a relatively good time to buy, and I was lucky to have friends teach me about creating value by remodeling.
Matt’s financial strength was his steady, W2 paycheck. If you’re an entrepreneur, you know how much harder it is to qualify for a mortgage than an individual or couple who earn W2 wages. We didn’t really have access to good mortgage rates until Matt had a few months under his belt of working a W2 job.
With both my equity and Matt’s predictable income combined, we were able to get approved for a mortgage that would have been impossible to obtain on our own.
Life has not gotten any less complicated. However, our challenges and triumphs, combined with the lived experience we’ve witnessed among our client base further confirms our belief: having an open, honest dialogue about money is crucial to your success as a couple. In fact, I’m here to say that the level of success that we’ve achieved in our lives - both personally and professionally - is directly related to our comfort and confidence in talking to each other about money.
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Stephanie Bucko and Cristina Livadary are fee-only financial planners based in Los Angeles, California. Stephanie is the Chief Investment Officer and Cristina is the Chief Executive Officer at Mana Financial Life Design (FLD). Mana FLD provides comprehensive financial planning and investment management services to help clients grow and protect their wealth throughout life’s journey. Mana FLD specializes in advising ambitious professionals who seek financial knowledge and want to implement creative budgeting, savings, proactive planning and powerful investment strategies. As fee-only fiduciaries and independent financial advisors, Stephanie and Cristina never receive commission of any kind. Stephanie and Cristina are legally bound by their certifications to provide unbiased and trustworthy financial advice.